Author's note :
    Okay folks, this was a doozy to write and since I ran out of
space to put this at the end of the story (blame my little Tandy
1100 FD laptop and its 640K RAM) I'll have to put it at the
_beginning_ of the whole shabang, instead.  I really hope you
folks like this, and if you want to see more just let me know;
I've got more ideas in the works but if no one says "Yes,
Benares, we love/like/mildly enjoy it.  Write more" I'll just let
them stay as ideas.  Any suggestions, same thing applies.  I know
a lot of you are saying "RanmaTrek?  RANMATREK?? Who IS this
madman that even CONSIDERS writing such a thing?"  Oh well, we
all know that somebody had to do it eventually.  I've got to
admit, it isn't easy incorporating Ranma-style logic into a
series that has its own Nitpicker's Guide, but I did my best (as
BEST as one can achieve during final's week at college, anyway).
So now just sit back in your favorite easy chair, relax, grab a
softdrink, and enjoy RanmaTrek : The Next Generation!
                                        Jya ne,
                                        BENARES
 
*************
 
(the scene opens to a bright, starry gaze of the heavens, a low,
dramatic string of music giving the view further ambiance.  A
comet streaks through the sky, passing planets, nebulae,
galaxies... As the view follows the comet on its path a voice,
emanating from all around, speaks to us...)
 
Ranma : Space.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of the
starship "Takahashi".  It's five year mission, to seek --
Akane (interrupting) : It's not a FIVE year mission, you
numskull!  It's supposed to be "it's _continuing_ mission, to
seek out --"
Ranma (angry) : Hey, it's MY dramatic monologue, I can say
whatever I want!  Haven't you ever heard of creative licensing?
Akane : You aren't creative ENOUGH to use THAT excuse!
Ranma : That's IT!  You've just ruined my dramatic soliloquy, you
little twit!
Akane : Who're you calling twit, BAKA!
Ranma : KAWAII-KUNAI!!
 
(the music playing in the background is beginning to be drowned
over by Ranma and Akane as their argument seems to escalate into
full-scale war.  The view has since lost track of the comet and
is now focussed on a large ship sailing the blackness of space.
The ship looks something like a galaxy-class starship with it's
warp-nacelles on the bottom and a ridiculously large photon
torpedo tube on the saucer section.  As the picture examines the
ship from all angles a loud thumping sound can be heard carrying
across the reaches of space.)
 
Ukyou (tapping her microphone) : Hello, is this thing on?
Ahem...  These are the voyages of the starship "Takahashi".  It's
continuing mission, to seek out new life and old plots and
complications.  To milk a popular television series for an even
greater cause.  To BOLDLY go where no man, no woman, or BOTH have
ever gone BEFORE!
 
Formula  119  presents...
 
 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 
R      A     N     M     A
 
T     R     E     K
 
The  Next  Generation
 
 
Written   by   BENARES
 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 
Part  One - "Embarkment"
 
Official disclaimer : Star Trek (ALL versions of it) is the
property of Paramount Studios and was created by Gene
Roddenberry; Ranma 1/2 is the brainchild of Rumiko Takahashi.
Anyone thinking otherwise is really in need of special
counseling.
 
(Opening scene : the center piece of the scene is a large space
station orbiting the earth.  The station is littered with
patterns of lights, the earth's shadow blanketing the slow-
spinning cylinder from the sun's rays. A few spacecraft of
varying shapes and sizes enter and exit the large open portal on
its upper-side. The picture slowly pans inside the large maw and
reveals a huge interior, housing many starships anchored to
enclosed gangways leading into the inner-echelons of the station;
most of the ships in dock are of Starfleet design.  The image
zooms into one particular gangway, a long metal and glass tube
linked to a large white ship with down-folded warp nacelles and
the registration number NCCX-1287 "USS Takahashi" labeling the
saucer section.  As the image enters the gangway it slows until
it comes to a halt right before the main entryway to the ship.
Quite a large number of men and women (and others) in Starfleet
uniforms are filing in and out of the ship, although most of
those entering are carrying luggage and other sorts of personal
belongings.  Two figures stand out from the crowd since they
aren't exiting or entering, but instead simply standing at the
entrance.  One is a tall, well-built man in his mid-forties with
short, spiky blond hair.  He is wearing the standard uniform of a
station operative, three golden pips neatly pinned on the gray
collar of his black jumpsuit with the single layer of red across
his shoulders indicating command chain.  The other is also
wearing a command chain uniform, although it is one of a starship
operative and carries four pips on its black collar.  The man is
possibly in his early fifties, and while his bald head may
detract slightly from his looks he seems to carry an air of
strength about himself, nonetheless.  Both look slightly
impatient about something.)
 
Commander Sumner (tapping his foot and repeatedly looking down
the gangway) : I'm truly sorry about the delay, Captain.  I have
no idea why he should be late.
Captain Picard (trying not to act _too_ impatient) : No, no, it's
quite alright, Commander.  I'm sure that whatever is keeping him
it's quite important.
Sumner : Once again, thank you so very much for coming to
overlook the assignment of our new captain.  I am sure that you
will be very pleased with him.
Picard : It's no trouble at all, Gordon.  After all, I was
already in the area inspecting the construction of
Enterprise-E...  Now what's this I hear about him being one of
the best hand-to-hand fighters in all of Starfleet?
Sumner (becoming excited) : ONE of the best?  Captain Picard, he
won Starfleet Academy's grand champion fighter trophy in his
first year!  He IS the best! (Picard begins to take an interest
to the conversation)
Picard : Really?  But what about our annual competition with the
Klingon Military Academy's personal fighter squad?
Sumner : He finished every opponent that crossed him in no longer
than one minute!  You should have seen this boy, Captain, his
fists seemed to move faster than light itself!  I believe that
his father has been training him in kenpo ever since he was a
toddler in Japan.
Picard : Amazing... I might want Lt.Commander Worf to talk to
this man sometime.
Sumner : Once your security chief returns from his temporary
assignment on the "Katsura" I should be able to arrange a --
(squints at the end of the hallway, then opens his eyes in
relief) Ah, here he comes!
 
(a large, strong looking man in his mid-thirties with brown and
white hair casually strides down the corridor.  Picard takes the
initiative and walks up to him with an extended hand)
 
Picard (shakes the man's hand) : Welcome to the "Takahashi",
Captain.  I have heard a great many things about you, things that
do me proud.  I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I would just like
to say that you have been given a fine crew and a fine ship.
Brown-haired man (looking confused) : I'm sorry?
Picard (now it's his turn to be confused) : Aren't you Captain
Saotome?
Brown-haired man : Er... no, sir.  I'm Seaman Riggs, sanitation
engineering crew.
Picard (to himself) : The janitor?
Sumner : Um, no, Captain.  _That's_ Captain Saotome.
 
(Commander Sumner points to a lone figure running up the hall.
The figure is obviously rushing to meet the twosome.  He is
rather young, no more than twenty, carrying a large satchel, and
has a black braided pony-tail streaming behind him.  The young
man finally stops in front of the two, panting and gasping for
air.  Picard just looks at him speechless)
 
Sumner : Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I would like you to meet
Captain Ranma Saotome.
Picard (still looking at Ranma with complete surprise) : How old
are you?
Ranma (gasping for air) : Seve- <cough> Seventeen. (to Sumner)
Sorry I'm late, but my dad and I were having a little
disagreement and we accidentally missed our shuttle.
Sumner : Quite alright, Captain.  Just get yourself settled in
and I'll give you a tour of the ship and crew before we launch at
twenty-one-hundred in eight hours.
Ranma : Um, twenty-one-hundred... that's nine o'clock, right?
(bows to Picard) Oh, nice to meet you, by the way. (runs into the
ship)
Picard (shakes himself out of his stupor once Ranma is gone) :
Commander Sumner, how did a seventeen year-old boy manage to
graduate Starfleet Academy AND attain the rank of CAPTAIN?!
Sumner (shrugs) : I'm not sure...  But if the big boys at
Starfleet Command put him in charge of the one of the
Federation's most powerful experimental starships I'm sure he
must have credentials of the highest caliber.
 
(the picture switches to Starfleet HQ a few weeks back.  A large
platoon of firefighters are running as fast as they can trying to
put out a blaze in the main computer core as it explodes and
continually protests how evil all men are.  The firefighters and
security men are all so busy they don't notice a young man by the
name of Justy Ueki Taylor casually walking the other way hoping
that no one figures out how badly he accidentally screwed up the
main computer)
 
Picard (shakes his head) : Well, I suppose that he wouldn't be
captain of this vessel unless he had earned it. (turns to leave)
Let me know how he fares, Commander.
Sumner : I will, Captain.  Thanks for coming.
 
(Commander Sumner enters the ship while Picard heads out.  As he
steps out of the exit amid the crowded throngs of people on the
promenade he bumps into a large black and white mass)
 
Picard : Oops, sorry about that -- (looks up and suddenly notices
he's just bumped into a large panda bear wearing a Panama hat and
carrying a suitcase)
Panda (looks down at Picard and tips its hat) : Sign - [Pardon
me.]
 
(the panda follows the drones of people entering the Takahashi's
gangway.  Picard just looks at the panda as it disappears into
the massive crowd, then holds his head in exhaustion and
continues his trek into the station)
 
Picard : You'd think I would be used to meeting all sorts of
alien races by now...
 
(the scene cuts back to the interior of the ship, specifically
the captain's quarters which are pitch black except for the faint
light coming from the view of the dock through the window.  With
a swish the doors slide open and Ranma plods though.  As the
doors slide shut he drops his satchel in exhaustion and begins to
remove his uniform.  For a second he considers turning on the
lights, then decides that eight hours will give him enough time
for some good constructive sleeping.  Ranma gropes around in the
shadows and finally finds his large plush bed, a considerable
improvement over the hard floors and rocky ground of the training
sites his dad had dragged him to over the years.  FINALLY, a
good, warm place to stay!  Ranma completely strips down and
slides into bed, relaxing and noting how warm it is under the
sheets.  There seems to be quite a sag in the bed, though; as
though something is weighing down one end.  Ranma feels around in
an attempt to ascertain if anything is on his bed... Or in his
bed, as he discovers is the case.  Whatever it is, it's warm and
smooth and seems to be breathing in and out slowly.  No, make
that rapidly after it notices that something is touching it.
Ranma takes a deep gulp and sharply pulls back his hand)
 
Ranma (calling out) : Computer, lights!
 
(the lights in the room immediately blink on.  Ranma quickly sits
up and looks at the person sitting up next to him.  It is a
Bajoran girl, about as old as he is, with short black hair.  She
is not wearing anything, either.  She is looking back at him with
the same blank stare he's giving her.  Eventually, one of them
decides to speak)
 
Ranma (nervously) : Uh, wh-who are, uh, you...?
Bajoran girl (responds by screaming at the top of her lungs) :
AAAAAAAAAGGHH!!  A sex-fiend!! (grabs the nightstand sitting next
to the bed and clobbers Ranma onto the floor.  She quickly wraps
the covers around herself while Ranma tries to block any
embarrassing views with his shirt)
Ranma : What do you mean "sex-fiend"?!  What are you doing in my
room?!
Bajoran girl : YOUR room?! (presents a wooden mallet from out of
nowhere) Well, I suggest you get out of "your" room before I
drive your head into your shoulders!!
 
(suddenly the door to the room slides open.  A Bajoran man with
black hair and a mustache wearing a brown martial arts gi
casually walks into the room and sees the couple)
 
Man (blushing) : Ah, I see you two have gotten the chance to, uh,
get acquainted.  (turning to leave) I didn't mean to interrupt
anything, I'll get out of your way...
Ranma : Who the HELL are you?!
Man (looking at Ranma) : Oh, we have not met.  I am Soun Tendo,
and I can, er, see that you have already met my daughter Akane.
Akane (waving her arms about while trying to keep the sheets in
place) : Father, it's not what you think!  Nothing happened!
Ranma : Right, I wouldn't even THINK of touching your daughter!!
Akane : Sex-fiend!
Ranma : Stop calling me that!
 
(the door opens once again.  To Ranma's surprise a couple more
Bajoran girls enter the room pushing a chest on a hover-platform.
One has short brown hair while the other is a little older
looking wearing a head of long brown hair.  Both just wave to him
as they try to figure out a place to put the chest)
 
Ranma : What is this, a hotel room?!  Who ARE you people??
 
(the door slides open.  In steps a man wearing a white martial
arts gi, a pair of metal-rim glasses and a Panama hat.  He looks
at Soun and points at Ranma and Akane quizzically, prompting Soun
to happily nod)
 
Genma (removing his hat revealing a white bandana over his scalp
while smiling) : I'm glad you two have gotten off to such a good
start.
Ranma : You'd better not have something to do with this, Pop...
Akane : Will someone explain what's going on?! (to Ranma) And
you, put on some clothes!
 
(Ranma suddenly remembers that he isn't wearing anything but the
shirt tied around his waist.  He quickly retreats into the
bathroom, grabbing the rest of his uniform on the way.  Akane
reaches down by the bedside and pulls up her reddish-brown
Bajoran military uniform, then buries herself under the covers
while she puts it on.  Eventually both Ranma and Akane emerge
from their individual places tucking in portions of their
clothing and looking at each other with sour expressions.  Their
attention quickly shifts to their respective parent)
 
Ranma : Okay, what's going on here?
Genma : I shall explain.  This is Soun Tendo, the man who I had
trained with for many years when we were younger.  These girls
are his daughters... Kasumi, age nineteen (the girl with long
brown hair smiles at Ranma pleasantly), Nabiki, age eighteen (the
short-brown haired girl absently waves while searching through
the chest), and I'm sure you know Akane by now (Akane gives Ranma
a nasty glance.  Ranma responds by sticking out his tongue).
When I was a younger man I had spent a number of years on Bajor,
where I met Soun and we trained together in the ways of Kenpo
under the same master.
Akane : And who are you?
Soun : He is Genma Saotome, and this is his son Ranma.
Ranma : They're not moving in _here_, are they?
Genma : They're only storing their things here until the room
next door is ready later tonight.  I'm getting a quarters down
the hall, I think.
Akane : Father, I thought you said this would be my room.
Soun : Oh, it is.
Ranma : Hold on, the crew charts say this is MY room.
Soun : It's your room, too.
Akane and Ranma : Huh?
Genma : Ah, I thought I had told you...
Ranma : Told me what?
Genma : Akane is your wife.
Akane : WHAAT?!!
Soun : We had you two married when you both turned six.  As you
know, Bajoran law allows the parents to choose mates at any time
before adulthood.
Ranma : I'M MARRIED TO _HER_?!!
Genma (scratches his head) : Well, it _was_ a while ago.  I could
have sworn I had mentioned it to you.
Ranma : No, you did not!
Soun : Anyway, you two will be sharing quarters.
Akane : We most certainly WILL NOT!
Soun : It's expected for a husband and wife to live together.
Ranma (heading out of the room) : As far as I'm concerned you can
count me out of this little arrangement .  I'm not Bajoran, so
this ridiculous rule doesn't apply to me.
Akane : Fine, it's not like I care... (glances strangely at Ranma
for a second, then gives him a sour look) What did you call me?!
Ranma (looks confused) : I didn't say anything.
Akane : I heard you loud and clear, you jerk!
Genma : Oh, there's another thing I forgot.  Tendo-kun's
daughters are all half Betazoid.
Ranma : Oh great...
 
(Ranma shoots a glance at Akane with a smug look on his face,
apparently thinking something at her.  Akane turns as red as a
beet and grabs the chest Nabiki is looking through, then hurls it
at Ranma, who quickly runs through the sliding doors before he
can get plastered.  Akane just stands there fuming while Soun and
Genma look at each other nervously with beads of sweat forming on
their heads)
 
Kasumi (whispering to Nabiki) : What a perfectly matched couple.
They'll be so happy together. (Nabiki rolls her eyes)
 
(deciding that he might as well avoid his room until the insane
Bajoran/Betazoid girl and her family clear out, Ranma decides to
kill eight hours wandering around his ship and the space station.
Unfortunately, even with the enormous amount of time he has on
his hands he doesn't get the opportunity to see much since his
ship is crammed full of crewmen moving in and the station is
packed wall-to-wall with tourists and people catching other
flights.  Slowly the clock reaches 2100 hours and Ranma finds his
way to the Takahashi's shuttle bay where the higher ranking
members of the crew are waiting in formation, along with
Commander Sumner.  As he nervously looks at the huge number of
people under his command he walks up to the Commander who is
standing behind a small podium)
 
Sumner (to the crew) : Hear this, at 2100 hours the command of
the Takahashi is placed under the command of Captain Ranma
Saotome.
 
(the blipping of the computer is heard as it registers its new
owner while the crew smartly snaps to a salute.  Ranma casually
salutes back)
 
Sumner : At ease (the crew stops saluting). (to Ranma) Well, let
me introduce your crew to you. (Sumner walks up to a young
Chinese man with long black hair) This is (reads a small hand
terminal) your chief engineer Lt. Commander Mousse.
Mousse (shakes Sumner's hand) : It's a pleasure to meet you,
Captain.
Sumner (removes his hand from Mousse's grip) : Mousse, why aren't
you wearing your VISOR?
Mousse : Huh? (pulls a VISOR out of his black and gold uniform
uniform and looks at Sumner) Who the hell are you?
Sumner (sighs, then looks to Ranma) : You'll have to forgive him,
Captain.  He's a good engineer, but is in the habit of not
wearing his eyepiece. (moves on to the next crewman, a handsome
man in his early twenties with brown hair and a pair of thin
glasses) This is your chief medical officer Dr. Tofu Ono.
Tofu : How do you do? (shakes Ranma's hand)
Ranma (whispering to Sumner) : It's about time I've met a normal
person...
Sumner : Tofu is an outstanding doctor.  If it hadn't been for
that "incident" on the Intrepid he might have been chief of
Starfleet Medical by now.
Ranma (sighs to himself) : I knew it was too good to be true...
(to Sumner) What "incident"?
Sumner : I'm not sure.  The Doctor was giving a routine medical
exam to Admiral Nechayev as she was being transported to Risa for
a vacation.  Apparently some woman came in, some Bajoran/Betazoid
girl with long brown hair who was also on vacation with her
family, and... well, let's just say that due to major spinal
injury the Admiral didn't enjoy her vacation too much.
Ranma : Uh-oh...
Sumner : Don't worry, you don't have anything to worry about.
(laughs) After all, the Universe is a pretty big place; I don't
think there's a big chance of running into that girl again (Ranma
just smiles nervously as Sumner directs him to the next person on
the list) Alright, your chief of security is Lt. Tarou. (standing
before Ranma is a well-built, albeit pretty man with a somewhat
stern look on his face.  His yellow and gold security uniform has
been slightly modified with torn off sleeves and he is wearing a
pair of tight metal bracers on his wrists.  Tarou gives Ranma a
slight nod) And your navigational officer is... is... (looks
around confused) Where is Lt. Hibiki?
 
(about sixty-thousand light years away, at a space station of
Cardassian design floating near Bajor...)
 
Ryouga : Could you please tell me how to get to earth?
Major Kira : Listen, I really don't have time for this.
 
Sumner (moving to a tall, handsome man in his mid-thirties
sporting a light beard) : This is your first officer Will Riker.
With the destruction of Enterprise-D he's been reassigned under
your command.
Riker (shaking Ranma's hand) : Hello, Captain.  You know, I
always hoped that _I_ would be the youngest person in Starfleet
to make Captain...
Sumner (moves to an attractive girl wearing a bow in her long
brown hair and a blue station uniform.  The girl has a series of
brown spots running down her temples and is carrying what looks
like a huge snow shovel) : This is... (reads his small computer
panel) What the hell?  This can't be right...
Ranma : What is it?
Sumner (looking at the computer terminal with bewilderment) :
Well, er, this is Commander Ukyou Kuonji.
Ukyou (smiling) : Hello.
Sumner : She's your science officer and... um... your first
officer.
Ranma and Riker simultaneously : What?
Sumner : Don't look at me; that's what the crew roster says.
Ranma : I get the feeling it isn't normal for a captain to have
two first officers...
Ukyou (looking over Sumner's shoulder and reading his computer
terminal) : _Three_ is probably a little stranger... Who is Lt.
Colonel "Akane Tendo"?
Ranma : Oh no.
 
(Akane files through the crowd and snatches the crew roster out
of Sumner's hand)
 
Akane (looking at the crew roster, then at Ranma) : YOU'RE the
_CAPTAIN_?!
Ranma : YOU'RE the _FIRST OFFICER_?!
Riker (to Ukyou) : _One_ of the first officers, anyway...
Sumner : Er, well, I guess you've met most of your senior staff.
I've got duties to perform on the station, so your, uh, first
officers will give you the guided tour, and then you can head
over to the reception in the Eight-Forward lounge. (to the crew)
Dismissed.
 
(the crew files out of the shuttle bay and heads for Eight-
Forward; chatting can be heard amongst them questioning the
assignment of three first officers.  Sumner shakes Ranma's hand
and departs the Takahashi as Riker leads his captain out of the
shuttle bay with Akane and Ukyou in tow.  Riker shows Ranma most
of the ship's main departments, such as engineering, the science
labs, sick bay, the main computer core, and, of course, the main
bridge)
 
Ukyou (walking with Ranma arm-in-arm, much to Ranma, Riker and
Akane's surprise) : What a large ship, Ran-chan!  I'm so proud of
you.
Ranma (looking at Ukyou with a combination of nervousness and
curiosity) : Uh, yeah...
Riker : It isn't as big as the Enterprise, but three city blocks
big is still nothing to shake a stick at.
Ukyou : You know, I always knew you would go far.  Even when you
were a little boy I could tell.
Ranma : I'm sorry, Commander Kuonji, but do I know you from
somewhere?
Ukyou (stopping and smiling at him) : Oh, that's right!  You
don't recognize me, do you (Ranma shakes his head).  You might
remember this.
 
(Ukyou pulls a photograph out of her pocket and shows it to
Ranma, prompting Akane and Riker to look at the photograph as
well.  The photo shows a little boy with a pony tail in a white
martial arts gi sitting on top of another little boy wearing a
blue okonomiyaki cook's outfit; the little okonomiyaki-boy's
expression is not a pleasant one.  Like Ukyou, the little boy has
brown spots running down the sides of his head.  Ranma
scrutinizes the picture a little bit, then realizes something)
 
Ranma : Hey, this is a picture of me and Jo-chan!!
Akane : Jo-chan?
Ranma : His name was actually Jotaro, but he would always call me
Ran-chan and I would call him Jo-chan.  He was a friend of mine
when I was really young. (to Ukyou) Where did you get this?
Ukyou : My father gave it to me after it was taken.
Ranma : That's weird... Why would you have a picture of Jo-chan
and me?
Riker (scratching his beard) : Out of curiosity, what was
Jotaro's last name?
Ranma : Uh... Kuonji, I thi-- (looks at Ukyou) You couldn't be...

Ukyou (hugs Ranma) : Surprise, Ran-chan! (Akane flinches a
little)
Riker : You're a Trill!
Ranma : Jo-chan?!!
Ukyou : Actually, you can call me Uk-chan now.
Ranma : Well, uh, it's not that I'm unhappy or anything but, um,
why are you here?
Ukyou : Well, I actually made a request to Starfleet Command for
this assignment.  I thought that it would be nice if we could
serve together as captain and first officer as well as (hugs
Ranma some more) husband and wife.
 
(immediately Ranma feels his skin grow cold.  Akane's jaw drops a
foot.  Riker cocks an eyebrow and smirks)
 
Ranma (visibly sweating) : Hu-husband and wife?
Ukyou : I'm sorry it took me so long to actually find you, but
after you and your dad vanished (grimmaces at the word "dad"), I
spent years trying to track you two down.
Ranma : Um, Jo-ch-- Uk-chan, when exactly did we get married?
Ukyou : Well, it never was actually official; it was one of those
arranged marriages, while we both were kids.
Ranma (clenching his fist) : I'm gonna _kill_ Pop...
Akane : But this is a boy in the photograph.  How could you have
been married to Ranma like that?
Ukyou : Oh, we Trill are very flexible about such things.  Our
fathers figured I'd be a girl somewhere down the line.
Akane : Hmph.
Riker : Er, we'd better head up to the Eight-Forward lounge
before the food gets cold.
Ranma (looks at Akane, who has decided to go on ahead of the
group) : Sounds good to me, I guess.
 
(Ranma and his trio of first officers head up to Eight-Forward,
where a good number of crew members are chatting and pouring
drinks to one-another.  The lounge is rather nice looking,
carpeted with a great number of tables and booths placed about
and a dabo wheel near the left wall.  There is a large window
granting a view outside showing the interior of the starbase
docks, and a long bar lines the opposite wall; behind it is a
wrinkled old woman about two feet tall with long white hair
standing on a gnarled wooden cane serving food and drinks to the
customers.  The woman quickly spots Ranma and smiles slyly to
herself as she continues serving her patrons.  Riker thinks to
himself how overall it looks a lot like the Enterprise's
Ten-Forward, although he doesn't remember a karaoke machine and a
stage at the far right wall.  A figure emerges from the crowd
carrying a small tray, a young woman about the age of seventeen
with long chesnut-brown hair and a pretty green dress.  Ukyou
clenches her teeth and begins to sweat at the sight of her)
 
Tsubasa (cheerfully) : Hi, I'm Tsubasa, your waitress for Eight-
Forward.  May I get you something?
Ukyou (rushing the group in) : No don't mind us we're fine
couldn't be better bye! (Tsubasa looks at the group with some
curiosity as Ukyou buries them into the crowd)
Riker : What was all that about?
Ukyou : It's a long story...
Riker (finds a glass of sake and raises his hand in toast) : May
I have your attention! (the crowd quiets down) I would like to
make a toast to the new captain of the Takahashi, a man who we
will all trust with our lives at many an occassion (Ranma takes a
deep gulp at this statement), a man who the Federation Council
felt was truly leader enough to be trusted with the care of one
of its most powerful experimental ships...
Ranma (quietly to Akane) : This is an experimental ship?
Riker : A toast to Captain Ranma Saotome!
Crowd (clinking their glasses) : KAMPAI!!
Genma (appearing out of nowhere with Soun) : Isn't it beautiful?
Our son and daughter, serving with each other on a starship AND
being a happily married couple!
 
(the two begin to weep in joy.  Ranma and Akane face fault.
Ukyou staggers.  Riker spits out his drink in Tsubasa's face.
The crew begins to mumble amongst itself.  Phrases like
"Married?" and "Kinda' weird I ya' ask me" can be heard emanating
from the crowd.  Ranma and Akane are waving their arms about
wildly trying to stop the gossip)
 
Ranma : It's a mistake!
Akane : Our parents arranged it! (no one seems to be listening to
either of them)
Genma : Doesn't it feel good not to have to worry about hiding
any secrets, son?
 
(Genma suddenly finds it very difficult to speak.  Perhaps it's
the fact that Ukyou's fist is plowed into his face...)
 
Genma : Ouch.
Ranma (shrugging) : I'd have done it if she hadn't.
Ukyou (growling) : Yooouuu....
Soun (removing Ukyou's arm from Genma) : Now, now.  What seems to
be the trouble here?
Ukyou : No problem.  I'm just going to KILL this man, that's all.

 
(smashes Genma over the head with her spatula, driving him into
the floor with a loud PAF!  She tries to beat him up some more
but Soun and Ranma are able to restrain her)
 
Genma (slowly raising his head) : I don't believe I've had the
pleasure...
Ukyou : Does the name Kuonji ring a bell?
Genma : Kuonji.  Kounji.  Hmmm... AhHA! (jumps to his feet and
holds Ukyou by the shoulders, looking her over with intense
interest) You're little Jotaro, aren't you?!
Ukyou : I USED to be.  It's Ukyou now, thanks to you.
Soun : Would someone please explain what's going on?  Whatever is
happening here I'm sure it can be resolved without violence.
Ukyou : Oh, okay.  I'm Ranma's wife.
Soun (grabs Genma by the shirt and shakes him back and forth
violently) : _WHAAAAT_?!!  Is this true, Saotome-kun?!! (Genma
just shrugs innocently)
Ukyou : I remember it like it was yesterday...
 
(flashback : we see Genma and Ukyou's father conversing.  The two
have decided that Ranma and Ukyou are two be husband and wife,
although nothing official can take place until Ukyou (Jotaro at
this point in time) is implanted into a female host.  As a gift,
Ukyou's father gives Genma his old okonomiyaki stand, an antique
of sorts since okonomiyaki can just be replicated instead of
cooked nowadays.  We see Jotaro waving goodbye as Ranma and Genma
are lifting off in a shuttle-bus.  Unfortunately Genma hasn't
strapped the okonomiyaki stand to the top of the bus very well
and the stand slips of the top and drops fourty-feet.  Right on
top of Jotaro)
 
Genma (weeping) : I remember that day, now.  Oh, it was so
horrible.  That beautiful okonomiyaki stand, smashed to little
bits...
Ukyou (beating up Genma with her spatula) : It smashed me to
little bits, too, you old fool!  My father had to have the Kuonji
symbiont placed into Ukyou about a month later.
Genma (weakly getting up) : A month later?  Um, I was on Bajor
less than two weeks after leaving your father's place...
Ranma (grumbles) : When you had Akane and me "married"... (grabs
Genma by the shirt) Is there anything ELSE you may have forgotten
to tell me, Pop?
Genma : Er, no, nothing to my knowledge...
 
(suddenly Tsubasa runs up and gloms onto Ukyou, prompting her
skin to go pale)
 
Tsubasa : Ukyou-sama!  It IS you!!
Ukyou (peeling off Tsubasa and drop kicking the hostess across
the room) : Get off me, you twisted weirdo! (Tsubasa crashes
through the bar)
Riker : Let me guess.  Another wife, right?
Ukyou : Not even close. (to Tsubasa) I was hoping that you
wouldn't figure out who I was...
Tsubasa (getting up covered with bruises and looking excessively
sad) : Ukyou-sama, you didn't want me to know it was you?
Akane : Who's this?
Ukyou : This is Tsubasa, and he's been a pain in my rump since I
was in elementary school.
The entire crew : _HE_?!
Ukyou : I don't know HOW in the Universe you able to track me
down...
Tsubasa : I didn't even know you were on this ship.  But as long
as we're together (jumps over what's left of the bar and runs to
Ukyou with arms outstretched) we can share in my joy!
 
(Ukyou promptly sends Tsubasa back through the bar with her
spatula.  The old woman at the bar casually sidesteps her flying
waitress while handing a drink to the crewman next to her.  While
all this has been taking place the crew has _really_ begun to
chat between themselves)
 
Mousse (to Tarou) : Hmph, I'm glad that WE aren't quite as
strange as that group (Tarou nods in compliance).
 
Computer (accompanied by a BLEEP from the panel in the wall) :
Message for Captain Saotome.
Ranma (ignoring the squabbling behind him) : Put it through on
the wall.
 
(the face of a blond, middle-aged woman wearing a Starfleet
admiral's uniform appears on the screen.  She looks tough but in
a smug and stuck-up kind of way)
 
Admiral Nechayev : Good day, Captain Saotome.  I hope you have
had the chance to meet your crew and examine your vessel.
Ranma : Yes I have, Admiral.  What can I do for you, today?
Nechayev (looking behind Ranma) : I hate to bring your little
party to an end but I'm afraid we have urgent business for you.
You have to depart space-dock immediately and take the Takahashi
to the Delta Borax System.  I will relay your mission to you when
you arrive there.
Ranma : Gotcha.  Er, is there anything about the mission you can
hint to me before I head out?
Nechayev : Only that it will be extremely dangerous and could
very well influence the balance of power in this quadrant
forever.  Nechayev out (the screen goes blank).
Ranma (sagging) : What a way to start the day...
 
--Captain's Log 48906.11 --
    We have set out on our first mission ever today.  Commander
Riker was kind enough to take us out of space dock last night,
and we are currently heading for an unknown rendezvous in the
Delta Borax System at warp six, where we should be arriving in
about ten hours.  Halfway through our journey we intercepted the
starship "Kishiro" and picked up our navigational officer Ryouga
Hibiki, who was found wandering around some place called Farpoint
Station.  His name rings a bell with me, although I haven't got a
clue where I've heard it from.  Oh well, I suppose I'll get to
meet him when I call a meeting of the senior officers upon
arrival at Delta Borax.  In the meantime, the Tendos have finally
gotten their room squared away and have moved out... Well, most
of them, anyway.  Akane refuses to leave my room, and there's NO
way I'm sleeping in the same room with her.  Ukyou has offered to
put me up but I don't think I'll take her up on that just yet.
I'll simply have to endure until Akane catches a clue and
realizes that I am captain of this ship, and what I say goes.
--Log out--
 
(we see the inside of the captain's ready-room, a functional but
not extremely extravagant room with a table placed next to the
large window viewing the outside stars.  There is a light beeping
sound coming from the door, which is repeated a minute later when
it doesn't recieve a response.  Eventually the door opens without
a response and Riker sticks his head in)
 
Riker : Captain?  Are you in here? (takes two steps in and nearly
trips over Ranma lying on the floor) _CAPTAIN_!!  Captain, are
you alright?!!
Ranma (squinting his eyes and looking around groggily) : Huh?
Oh.  Yeah, I'm fine, just trying to get a little sleep...
Riker : On your floor?  What about your quarters?
Ranma : I'm just waiting for this really big pest to leave first.
What do you want, Commander?
Riker : I, er, just wanted to inform you that we'll be arriving
at Delta Borax in five minutes.
Ranma (getting up and stretching) : Call together the senior
staff, then.  I'll be in the observation lounge in a sec.
Riker : Aye, sir (steps out of the room, the doors swishing shut
behind him).
 
(Ranma stretches and yawns for a few more minutes, then combs his
hair and tucks in his uniform before heading out.  As he heads to
the observation deck he takes a quick look at the bridge; it is
not a horrible looking bridge, being an oblong oval-shaped room
stretching twenty-five feet to the back with a number of computer
terminals lining its walls.  In the forward center is the command
chair as well as a navigation and ops station, and on the front
wall is a large video screen.  The floor is level all the way
across except at the command chair where it is slightly raised,
and is unfortunately not carpeted.  Ranma heads to the back and
enters the observation lounge, a room only complemented by a long
table lined with chairs and a wall mounted computer, although the
long wall-length window is providing an excellent view of space
as it streaks away from him.  Occupying the chairs are Dr. Tofu,
Akane, Mousse, Tarou, Riker, Ukyou, and someone wearing a black
and yellow bandana)
 
Ranma (scrutinizing Ryouga carefully) : You look familiar...
Ryouga : YOU!!
 
(Ryouga leaps out of his seat and makes a pounce at Ranma, who
quickly ducks leaving Ryouga to go crashing into the wall behind
him.  Ryouga quickly pulls his fist from the wreckage of the wall
(revealing a somewhat disturbed science officer staring at where
her computer terminal used to be) and takes another series of
swings at Ranma, who dodges everyone while continuing to
scrutinize Ryouga very carefully.  Eventually Ranma gets a look
of recognition on his face and absently catches Ryouga's hand in
mid-punch while pointing at Ryouga with excitement)
 
Ranma : I remember who you are!  You went to high school with me!

Akane : You two know each other?
Ranma : Yeah, Ryouga's an old high school pal of mine!
Ryouga : PAL?!  I'm no "pal" of your's!
Riker (angry) : What in HELL do you think you're doing?!
Ryouga : Who in the world are you?
Riker : I'm the ship's first officer, Lieutenant, and that is NO
way to treat your CAPTAIN!
Ryouga (to Ranma) : My... captain?  YOU'RE the _CAPTAIN_??
Ranma (to Akane) : I thought we'd already gone through this part.

Riker : I suggest you apologize to Captain Saotome this second
before I have you tossed into the brig!
Ranma (waving his hand absently) : Nah, it's alright, we always
used to play around like this.  Go ahead and sit down everybody,
let's get down to business (everyone takes their place again.
Ryouga sits down looking both mortified and extremely pissed off
at Ranma).
Akane (whispering to Ranma) : What did you do to him to make him
so mad?
Ranma : I don't know.  He always had a short fuse, I guess...
 
(a beep comes in over the intercom and Admiral Nechayev appears
on screen)
 
Nechayev : Ah, Captain.  I trust all of your senior staff is
present?
Ranma : Everyone's here.
Nechayev : Good.  I'm afraid I have dire news for the entire
Federation.  Our intelligence reports have discovered that a
renegade offshoot of the Borg are within Federation space and are
systematically destroying and assimilating our colonies along
this sector's borders.  Starfleet wants you to intercept this
Borg threat and get them to stand down if possible, eliminate
them if necessary.
Riker : Do we know if this branch of the Borg was affected when
the main collective intelligence fell apart?
Nechayev : There's no way of telling.  You'll just have to find
out when you find them.
Tarou : Excuse me, but exactly HOW are _WE_, a single ship,
supposed to take on a _BORG_ battle cruiser??
Nechayev (giving a nasty smile) : I guess you'll have to burn
that bridge when you come to it, Lieutenant. Last time we had any
information on them it was at heading 360-mark-360, so finding
them should be absolutely no problem at this point.
 
(suddenly the entire room heaves to one side, tossing everyone
out of their seats and onto the far wall.  When the red-alert
sirens finally begin to wail the room's shaking quickly comes to
a halt and everyone tries to get back on their feet.  As she gets
up Akane notices that she has landed on top of Ranma)
 
Akane (punching Ranma in the mouth before proceeding to get up) :
You pervert, trying to take advantage of me like that!
Ranma (boiling) : What are you talking about?!!  _You_ landed on
_me_!!
Ukyou (grabbing Ranma by the ear and dragging him out the door) :
I'll have to have a talk with you about fidelity after this
crisis is over, Ran-chan... In the meantime, you're going to have
to deal with THAT!
 
(Ukyou points at the monitor and Ranma sternly looks at the huge
spacecraft looming before them -- probably twice the size of the
Takahashi, the sinister-looking craft is a mesh of metals and
piping, flecks of light emanating from within through a few open
gaps in the superstructure.  The Borg ship bears the cold and
calculating look of its counterparts, reflecting the mechanical
nature of the many that make up its compliment, although for some
reason the general design is slightly different from what Ranma
has seen before; if he didn't know any better, he could swear
that it's shaped like a cat-bell.  The remaining crew gasps as it
exits the observation lounge)
 
Ranma : Hail them, Mr. Tarou.
Tarou (running to his station and punching a few buttons) :
Channel open.
Ranma : This is Captain Ranma Saotome of the Federation starship
Takahashi.  We want to talk w--
 
(Ranma is interrupted as an short blast of green energy fires
from the Borg ship and nicks the Takahashi on the side, jostling
the crew a little bit.  The view on the monitor changes from a
picture of the menacing Borg ship and is replaced with a Borg
trooper standing before the endless drones of Borg soldiers
infesting the ship.  Every male mouth on the bridge drops a foot;
before them is probably one of the most beautiful women they have
ever seen, a young Chinese girl with a fantastic body and a
bounty of purple hair on her head stretching all the way to just
below her waist.  Actually, she would probably look even more
attractive if it wasn't for the white skin and all those wires
and implants covering her body.  Without warning Akane slams
Ranma into the ground with an elbow to the head)
 
Akane : I heard that!  Pervert!!
Ranma (pulling his face out of the indentation in the floor) :
Will you stop DOING that?!!  And stay out of my head!!
 
(The Borg woman slowly walks up to the monitor and speaks)
 
Borg woman (in a typically cold and calculating Borg tone) :
Attention humans.  We are the Jokestuzoku Borg.  Your life as it
has been is now over.  Surrender or you will be destr--
Mousse (yelling at the top of his lungs) : SHAMPOO!!
Borg woman (looks at Mousse for a second, then continues her
passionless speech) : We are the Joketsuzoku Borg.  Resistance is
futi--
Mousse (running up and glomming onto the monitor) : My darling
SHAMPOO, you've returned to me at LAST!!
Borg woman (gritting her teeth and starting over again) : Ahem.
We are the Borg.  You will be assim--
Mousse : Oh, my beautiful Shampoo!!  How I've longed to see you
again after all these years!
Borg woman (steely demeanor rapidly falling but trying hard to
maintain it notheless; the crew is looking at her and Mousse with
curiousity) : Surrender or we will--
Mousse (weeping) : _SHAMPOO_!!!
Borg woman (fianlly losing it) : WILL YOU _SHUT UP_?!!  WHO THE
HELL _ARE_ YOU?!! (the force of her yell blasts Mousse off the
monitor and over the captain's command chair)
Mousse (promptly getting up) : Shampoo, my sweetheart!! You don't
remember your old childhood friend Mousse?
 
(Shampoo eyes Mousse carefully with a degree of annoyance.  The
bridge crew keeps staring back and forth between the two.  After
a couple of minutes she just shrugs her shoulders and shakes her
head.  A couple of smaller Borg girls with light-blue hair and
pink hair run up to Shampoo and whisper in her ear.  About
halfway through the explanation Shampoo's face grimmaces and she
shoos the girls off)
 
Shampoo (irritated) : We don't believe it.  It's you.
Ryouga : Er, do you two know each other?
Mousse (removing his VISOR and wiping his moist eyes) : It was
many years ago... (chokes on his tears for a second, then
continues) It breaks my heart to even think of it.
 
(flashback : we see a small Chinese village.  A little Mousse and
little Shampoo (with no cybernetics and normal skin-tone) are
sitting together having a lovely picnic out in the sun, birds
chirping everywhere.  The two look very happy together, and are
about to steal a kiss from each other when the sky suddenly
darkens and the sun is blotted out by a huge cube-shaped Borg
ship.  Mousse and Shampoo run and hide together in a grove of
trees and watch as the ship completely sucks up the village,
scooping it and everyone in it off the ground, then slowly begins
to ascend into the sky)
 
Little Mousse (to Little Shampoo) : Our village may have been
destroyed, but at least we have each other.  Through all that
happens to us we'll at least be able to stay together forever.
 
(Little Shampoo nods happily, but suddenly the Borg ship stops
ascending and a light shines from it on Mousse and Shampoo.  The
beam pulls Shampoo off the ground; Mousse quickly tries to stop
Shampoo from being abducted but a bolt of energy lashes out from
the ship and knocks him down.  Before he passes out, Little
Mousse sees Little Shampoo calling out for him with open arms as
she's sucked into the Borg ship)
 
Mousse (weeping) : It was so horrible!  I cringe just thinking
what they must have put you through. (the crew looks at Mousse
with sympathy)
Shampoo (tapping her foot) : Funny, we don't seem to remember it
that way...
 
(flashback : Little Shampoo is picking flowers when Little Mousse
runs up to her with a wrapped present.  Little Shampoo quickly
beats him up.  As she's kicking the snot out of him a large Borg
ship appears in the sky.  Little Shampoo runs into the forest
while Little Mousse quickly follows.  As the two watch on the
Borg ship scoops up the Chinese village and reels it in)
 
Little Mousse (to Little Shampoo) : Our village may have been
destroyed, but at least we have each other.  Through all that
happens to us we'll at least be able to stay together forever.
 
(Little Shampoo looks at the departing Borg ship, then at Mousse,
then back at the Borg ship.  She quickly picks up a log and
whacks him over the head, knocking him out cold, then runs out of
the forest waving her hands and yelling that they forgot
somebody.  The Borg ship stops in mid-air, tractor-beams her up,
and then continues on its way)
 
(the entire bridge crew is dumbstruck)
 
Riker (scratching his beard, then looking at Shampoo with utter
confusion) : Let me get this straight.  You chose being
assimilated by the Borg over living with Mousse?
Shampoo (sounds surprised that anyone would even ask such a
question) : Of course.  It was either spending a lifetime in Hell
or being part of the Borg hive.  Now, if we're all done meeting
each other we're afraid we're going have to assimilate your ship
and crew, so if you'll kindly surrender.
Tarou : Captain, they've locked all their weapons on us!
Ranma (defiantly) : Well then lock all our weapons on _them_!
Riker : Uh, Captain, I don't know if you've ever dealt with the
Borg before but I think that they seriously outgun us...
 
(suddenly the ship shifts sharply to the left, throwing everyone
off their feet.  Tarou quickly gets back to his station and
checks the readout on his terminal)
 
Tarou : They're trying to get a tractor-beam hook on us, Captain!

Riker (staggering up) : Rotate the shield frequencies!
Tarou : What shields?
Ryouga : Great, we forgot to raise our shields...
Ranma : Tarou, target the source of that tractor beam and fire!
 
(the Takahashi lets loose with a huge barrage of phaser blasts
and torpedoes but nothing shakes the Borg cruiser.  A thin beam
of white light fires from the Borg vessel and starts to dissect
the ship.  The entire bridge lurches hard to its side tossing the
crew to the walls and forcing a few chairs and pieces of
equipment to be torn from their foundations.  One of the mobile
consoles comes loose and drops towards Ranma, about to directly
interface with his head, when Akane quickly grabs a free chair
and deflects the console like a baseball.  She quickly drops the
chair and slides over to a still-active computer terminal)
 
Akane (accessing the damage control board) : They're slicing into
the engineering section!  The hull's going to breach any second!
Ranma : What about that huge torpedo launcher on top of the ship?

Tarou : It takes about a day to charge up.
Ranma : A DAY?!!  Boy, I wish we'd thought about that _before_ we
left...
Mousse (tapping his com badge) : Evacuate engineering!  Repeat,
evacuate engineering!!
Akane : Well, have any ideas "Captain"?
Ranma : As a matter of fact I do...
Shampoo (popping back onto the viewscreen) : Well?  Do you give
up yet?  It would certainly save us the trouble of blowing up
your ship.
Ranma : Don't think you have us just yet.  We've still got an ace
up our sleeves!
 
(Ranma turns to Ryouga and whispers something in his ear.  Ryouga
looks back at Ranma with confusion but Ranma simply nods.
Shampoo is scrutinizing the two, trying to figure out exactly
what they plan on doing.  Ranma turns back to Shampoo with a look
of sly confidence on his face)
 
Ranma : Power up the anti-matter reactor to full.
Ryouga (tapping some switches) : Powered up.
Ranma : Has the computer been set?
Ryouga : Set up complete.
Ranma : Channel the energy and set engine output to maximum.
Ryouga : Check.
Shampoo (frowning) : What are they up to?  Raise shields to
maximum! Don't let anything through!
Ranma : Has everything been programmed?
Ryouga : Program complete!
Ranma : Hold on everybody!!
 
(the entire crew grabs a hold of something.  Shampoo holds the
metal railing in front of her viewscreen and shuts her eyes
tightly)
 
Ranma : Mr. Hibiki, initiate the SAOTOME SECRET TECHNIQUE!!
 
(all of a sudden the Takahashi turns around 180 degrees and flies
off as fast as possible)
 
Shampoo (opening her eyes and looking at the viewscreen) : What
the...  They ran away? (grits her teeth and rips off the metal
bar in front of her in anger) THEY RAN AWAY!!  After them, don't
let that ship escape!!
 
(through a panorama of flying stars the Takahashi streaks by at
warp nine with the globe-shaped Borg ship in close pursuit)
 
Riker : THAT'S the Saotome Secret Technique?
Ranma : The trick is to retreat as fast as possible and try to
return with a greater advantage.  I simply had Ryouga choose a
random direction that leads away from earth, and if we can keep
them on our tail long enough we can come about and use the
torpedo cannon on them when it's fully charged.
Ukyou (reading her computer terminal) : Damage report coming
in... Nothing major, Ran-chan, the security force fields are
keeping the hull in place.
Mousse : I'd better go down and have a look at it. (steps into
the turbolift)
Akane (shaking her head) : Jeeze, I hate to say it but that was
actually a pretty good idea...
Ranma : Of COURSE it was!  I'm the Captain, aren't I?
Akane : You don't have to act so smug about it.  And after I
saved your life, at that.
Ranma : Hey, I didn't ASK you for any help, did I?
Akane : YOU JERK!  You could have at least said THANKS!
Ranma : Who are you calling a JERK, you crazy woman?!!
Akane (growling) : I CAN'T believe it!  I can't believe I'm
MARRIED to as big an _IDIOT_ as _YOU_!!!
 
(Akane rips off the table-sized ops console and plasters Ranma to
the ground with it)
 
Tarou (wincing) : Ooh, being smashed with a duranium-plated
computer terminal... That's GOTTA hurt.
Ranma (before passing out) : Crazed macho chick...
 
(Ranma opens his eyes and notices that he's come to on one of the
cushioned beds in sickbay.  He feels his head and immediately
receives a sharp stinging sensation where the terminal connected.
There is the sound of swishing doors as Doctor Tofu walks up to
Ranma carrying a medkit)
 
Tofu (chuckling) : That wasn't very smart, treating Akane like
that.
Ranma : How long have I been out?
Tofu : Oh, only about half-an-hour.
Ranma (feeling the huge bruise on his head) : Hmph, that girl is
way too violent.
Tofu (running a tricorder over Ranma) : It's just a face she puts
on.  I've known her for quite a long time, and deep inside she
really is a sweet girl.
Ranma : It's gotta be REALLY deep inside...
Tofu (closing the tricorder) : Well, other than that large bruise
I'd say you're as fit as a fiddle.  I'll just give you something
for the pain. (pulls out a hypospray and presses it to Ranma's
neck when at that very second the sickbay doors open)
 
Kasumi (walking in) : Hello, Dr. Tofu.
Tofu (glasses fogging over) : K-KASUMI!  What an unexpected
PLEASURE!  What c-can I do for you?
Kasumi : I wanted to get a tricorder and a home medkit, in case
anything might happen if you were away.
Tofu : Of course!!  One tricorder coming up!
Kasumi : Dr. Tofu, this is a phaser.
Tofu (taking the phaser and examining it) : Ha-ha!  Now how did
THAT get in there??  I'll have to have a talk with Nurse Jones.
Here, in the meantime please take my medkit!
Kasumi : Thank you Dr. Tofu, you're a dear.  I'll be back
tomorrow with those datachips you lent me. (waves as she leaves)
Tofu (waving in the opposite direction from the door) : Bye!
 
(Dr. Tofu sighs in total bliss, then shakes his head and wipes
off his fogged-up glasses.  Actually, he _attempts_ to wipe off
his glasses when he realizes that one of his hands isn't
available.  Tofu looks to his left and discovers that he's still
holding the hypospray to Ranma's neck.  He pulls away the sprayer
and Ranma drops to the floor with his eyes rolled up into the
back of his head.  Tofu examines the hypospray and wonders how it
could be empty; after all, he had just filled it before Ranma
came in)
 
(a panoramic world of wild colors floats before Ranma's eyes.
Slowly a figure seems to emerge from the psychedelic patterns,
and then the whole nutty world fades away and is replaced by the
pristine white of the sickbay walls.  Above him is Kasumi,
looking him over with a tricorder)
 
Kasumi : Ah, I see you're finally awake.
Ranma (holding his head) : What happened?
Kasumi : I guess you were taking a nap.
Ranma (feeling his head) : Hey, my bruise is gone!
Kasumi : It should be, it's had plenty of time to heal.
Ranma : Plenty of time?  Er, how long have I been in here?
Kasumi : Well, let's see.  I saw the security people carrying you
in here on a stretcher just a little after I made that shrimp
salad for father's dinner, and that was on Wednesday, and since
today is Friday...
Ranma (eyes bulging) : Oh my GOD!!  The BORG SHIP!!! (leaps right
off the bed and runs out the door)
Kasumi : My goodness, I wonder what all THAT was about...
 
(after a few minutes the bridge turbolift doors open and Ranma
steps out onto the bridge.  Most of the damage from the Borg
battle has been repaired, although the ops console Akane hit him
with is sloppily bandaged back in its original spot.  All of the
bridge crew is on deck)
 
Ryouga : Look who finally decided to grace us with his
presence...
Ranma (ignoring Ryouga) : Lt. Tarou, how much longer until the
photon cannon is fully charged?
Tarou : Two more hours.  The Borg haven't slowed their pursuit
since you left, by the way.
 
(Ranma looks at the main monitor.  Sure enough, the Borg ship is
still right on the Takahashi's tail)
 
Ranma : Alright, just a little bit longer and we can take them
out.  Mr. Hibiki, what's our position?
Ryouga (looks at his console) : We're about three hours away from
sector 19.29.42.
Akane : Sector 19.29.42?  Where in the Universe is that?
Ukyou (looks at the navigational console) : You're reading it
wrong, stupid.  That's the clock saying that it's almost
half-past seven. (points to a little monitor) THAT's the position
indicator.
Ryouga : Oh.  Then we're about three hours away from sector 001.
Everyone : _WHAAAAT_?!!
Ranma (punching Ryouga in the head) : YOU IDIOT, I told you to
steer us AWAY from the earth!!
Ryouga : Sector 001 is the earth?
Riker : This is absurd!  How in the world did you get assigned to
the position of CHIEF NAVIGATOR?
Ryouga (scratching his chin) : Um...
Akane : Let's worry about all this later, okay?  We've just led
this Borg ship right into the heart of the Federation, and NOW
we've got to do something about it!
Ranma : If we're lucky they haven't figured out where we've
brought them yet.  Ryouga, turn us _AWAY_ from the earth and try
to maneuver us somewhere unihabit--
 
(Ranma is unexpectedly cut off as an explosion rocks the ship to
one side, throwing every crew member in the ship out of its seat
and onto the floor.  After a couple of seconds the ship rights
itself and the crew gets back to its feet, only to be thrown
backwards as the ship boosts forward)
 
Ranma (rubbing his head) : Commander Kuonji, after this mission
is over I want every chair on this ship equipped with a seat
belt.
Riker (looks at the damage control station) : The explosion came
from engineering.  No explanation as to what caused it has come
in yet.
Ryouga (pushing some buttons on his panel) : Uh, Captain, we've
got a little problem...
 
(all the senior officers gather around the navigational console
and watch as Ryouga desperately tries to change the ship's
direction.  Unfortunately the Takahashi doesn't seem to want to
turn)
 
Ranma : Great, now there's NO way to lure them away from earth.
Riker : It shouldn't matter.  The photon cannon will be charged
and ready before we get to the Terran system.
Ryouga : Uh, remember that lurch forward we got after the
explosion?
Tarou (shaking his head) : Great... How fast are we moving now?
Ryouga : Warp nine-point-two.
Ukyou (pulls out a calculator and taps a few buttons) : Uh-oh.
At this speed we'll reach the earth in an hour and forty-five
minutes!
Riker : Fifteen minutes before the cannon charges up... (sighs)
Why doesn't this surprise me?
Mousse (over the intercom) : Captain, I've found out what caused
the explosion; we have an intrudWAAAAGGHH!!! (signal cut off)
Ranma : Damn!!  Quick, everyone to engineering! (the entire
bridge crew makes a run for the turbolift)
Akane : WAIT!! (Ranma freezes in his tracks causing the rest of
the crew to crash into him.  After collecting themselves off the
floor they look back at her) Out of curiosity, where EXACTLY are
we headed?
Ranma : The earth, stupid.  Did you just miss the entire
conversation?
Akane : No, you moron, I MEAN are we headed _TOWARDS_ the earth,
or _AT_ the earth?
 
(everyone looks at Akane with a bit of confusion, then the gist
of her sentence slowly begins to hit them)
 
Riker : Um, Mr. Hibiki?  I hope you remembered to set the
computer for automatic orbit before you brought us here.
Ryouga (smiling nervously) : Er...
Ranma (rubbing his temples) : Someone please tell me that one of
this ship's experimental features is to survive hitting planets
at warp nine and above...
Ukyou : Nope.
Ranma (sighing) : Alright, everyone to the turbolift.
 
(once again the bridge crew gets into the turbolift and heads for
deck 27;  they then find their way down the hall to the
engineering section.  It is quite a large room, computer
terminals lining every wall and even some parts of the floor.  A
number of workstations are designated for various engineering
staff members (although for some reason no one is manning her or
his station at the moment) and there is a huge computer-generated
schematic of the ship lain across the ceiling, showing various
power flows and temporary system misfunctions on the different
decks.  The centerpiece of the room is a large... no, GIGANTIC is
a more appropriate word... matter/anti-matter reactor churning
continuous streams of green light up and down its huge
cylindrical body.  Ranma supposes that he has never seen a larger
power core in his entire life (but then again, he hasn't been on
a lot of starships, so maybe this isn't such a large battery,
after all; who knows).  One of the large panels along the wall,
obviously the navigation panel, has been reduced to nothing but a
smoldering wreck.  For some reason there's a photon torpedo tube
sticking through it)
 
Akane : Now how in the world did THAT get there?
Riker : Phasers out, everybody.
Ranma : Phasers are for wimps.
Ryouga : I lost mine.
Akane : I forgot mine in my room.
Ukyou : A gun?  Yech! (brandishes a large spatula from out of
nowhere)
Tarou : Feh.  Phasers.  What a concept (pops his knuckles).
Riker : Am I the ONLY person here who brought a REAL weapon?
Ukyou (thinking for a second, then looks at Riker unpleasantly) :
Hey!  That was an insult! (hits Riker over the head with her
spatula)
Riker : OW!
Soun : A true warrior does not use phasers. (Genma nods in
agreement; everyone jumps a foot off the ground at the unexpected
appearance of the two)
Akane : Father!  What are you doing here?!
Soun : Saotome-kun and I wanted to see how our favorite husband/
wife team was doing on its first mission.
Genma (munching on some popcorn) : It's quite exciting.
Ranma (growing impatient) : Pop...!
Ukyou (looking around the corner) : Uh, guys, you might want to
see this.
 
(the crew looks around the corner and sees the entire engineering
staff piled on top of each other with charred black uniforms and
smoldering hair.  Mousse is on top of the stack with his VISOR
hanging halfway off his face)
 
Ranma (grabbing Mousse and shaking him about) : MOUSSE!  Mousse,
are you ALRIGHT?! (Mousse coughs out a puff of smoke and points
at the back of the engineering section) The intruder's back
there? (Mousse nods enthusiastically) Good job, Lieutenant!
 
(Ranma tosses Mousse back on the pile of engineers, then slowly
creeps to the rear of the engineering section with the bridge
crew (and fathers) in tow.  Ranma looks around cautiously, but
doesn't see a thing.  Everyone scrutinizes along with him and
once again nothing is revealed but an empty section of
engineering)
 
Riker : What the hell?
Ryouga : There's no one here.
Ukyou (scratching her head) : Hmph, I don't get iteeeEEEEYAAAHH!!

 
(everyone immediately looks at Ukyou and sees what she's
screaming about.  Attached to her shirt is a little man happily
burying his head in her chest.  Immediately she pries him off and
brings her spatula down on the little man's head.  She repeats
this performance a few times before the group can hold her back)
 
Ukyou : Let me GO!!  I'll kill that thing!!!
Akane : Hold on, Ukyou.  Let's try and find out what it is first.

 
(Ukyou is forced to pull back her spatula, revealing an old two-
foot-tall man with a ridged forehead and wearing a Klingon
warrior's uniform.  As Ranma goes to examine the little man the
sound of two bodies thumping on the ground can be heard.  Ranma
looks behind him and sees that Genma and Soun have passed out)
 
Akane : Father! (shakes Soun) Father, wake up!  What happened?!
Soun (regaining his senses) : AAAAAGH!!  IT CANNOT BE!!!  I must
have imagined it!!
Little man (sitting on Soun's shoulder smoking a pipe) : Not
exactly. (Soun eyes the little man and passes out again)
Akane : Father!!
Riker : Who the hell are you?
Little man : Hmph, what a lack of respect. (conks Riker on the
head with his pipe.  Riker drops to the ground senseless)
Ranma : Who are you?
Genma (getting to his feet and hiding behind Ranma) : Master!!
How nice to see you again! (smiles weakly)
Akane : Master?  Uncle Saotome, do you know this man?
Little man (chuckling lightly) : I am his teacher.  I am
Happousai, grandmaster of the Klingon combat school of
indiscriminate grappling, honored and feared by all in the
Klingon empire.
Tarou (growling) : WHAT-DID-YOU-SAY-YOUR-NAME-WAS?!!
Happousai (shaking Tarou's hand) : Happousai.  Have we met?
Tarou (running over to a replicator) : Computer, water!
 
(with a silvery glitter the computer quickly produces a small
paper cup with water in it, which Tarou grabs and drenches
himself with.  To everyone's complete surprise Tarou is
immediately replaced with what looks like a twelve-foot-tall
minotaur with wings and an eel for a tail.  It's eyes are
bloodshot red and a puff of steam comes from his nostrils with
every breath)
 
Happousai (happily) : Oh, I remember you now!  You're little
Pan--
 
(Happousai doesn't get a chance to finish his statement as Tarou-
minotaur punches downward at him.  Happousai quickly dodges and
Tarou leaves a huge hole in the floor where the little Klingon
had once been)
 
Happousai : Hmph, I thought you would be much happier to see your
godfather.
Riker : What in the WORLD?!
Akane : How did he DO that?!!
Ranma, Ryouga and Genma : Damn.  Not _another_ one.
Happousai (dodging another punch from the huge monster) : You
insolent dolt, do you know that you are attacking the most feared
Klingon in the Empire?!
Ranma (bends down and pats Happousai on the head) : You sure are
short for the "most feared Klingon in the Empire".
Happousai (annoyed) : Size isn't everything, you know.
 
(Happousai pulls out a small sphere about the size of a
cantaloupe wrapped in paper with a burning fuse on its end, then
drops it in Ranma's hand.  Immediately (and to Ranma's surprise)
the little sphere explodes and the entire engineering section is
filled with smoke.  Coughing is heard everywhere as people try to
find their way around in the thick cloud)
 
Soun : Saotome-kun, where are you?
Akane : Father?
Riker : Where is everybody?
Tarou-minotaur : MOOO!!!
Ukyou : Where is that little idiot?  I'll kill him!
Genma : Tendo-kun, I found him!!
Soun : DESTROY HIM!!!
 
(the sound of clobbering can be heard as Soun, Genma and Ukyou
blast away.  The cloud of smoke eventually clears itself and the
threesome discover that they've just beaten up Ranma, whose shirt
and face are plastered with a black blast mark)
 
Happousai (tapping Genma on the shoulder) : You missed.
 
(before the two men can let out their high-pitched scream Genma
and Soun are quickly beaten up and Happousai latches on to Ukyou
once more.  He doesn't get a long time to enjoy his rest spot,
however, as a charred Ranma pulls him off her)
 
Ranma (suspending Happousai in mid-air from the back of his
shirt) : I'll take it YOU'RE the one that blew up the
navigational controls.
Happousai (looking innocent) : What?  ME??  I'm just a decrepit
old Klingon warrior, waiting for the days to finally take their
toll on my withered body.
 
(Tarou-minotaur suddenly appears before them and tries to charge
Happousai with his horns.  Happousai, without even getting loose
of Ranma, stops Tarou dead in his tracks with his pipe and flings
him towards the pile of engineers, rolling him through them like
a bowling ball through pins)
 
Ranma : Decrepit old warrior.  Yeah, right.
Akane : What's Tarou so mad about?
Riker : And HOW did he turn into that THING?!!
Genma : I shall explain that part.  Computer, water. (the
replicator produces a small cup water, which Genma douses himself
with.  Genma's body immediately transforms into a large panda
bear) Erg grrr owwrrr...
Ranma : You idiot, you can't speak like that!  Computer, hot
water.
 
(Ranma takes the cup of steaming water from the replicator and
pours it on his father.  To everyone's astonishment Genma returns
back to his human form)
 
Genma : As I was saying, this is the result of a curse my son and
I received while in China.
Riker (dubiously) : A curse...
Genma : There are these cursed pools at a training ground called
Jhusenkyou.  Whoever falls into these pools is turned into
whatever creature had originally drowned in the pool.
Ukyou : I can't believe you took Ran-chan training to someplace
so dangerous!
Genma : Well, I didn't exactly take him there on purpose.
Ranma (hitting his father over the head) : While we were at the
China Shuttleport this moron started a fight with me and
accidentally hit the shuttlecraft's emergency transporter
controls.  We were both beamed off the shuttle and found
ourselves twenty feet in the air above Jhusenkyou when we
rematerialized.
Soun : So, we can see that your father had fallen in the
panda-drowning pool, but where did YOU land, Ranma-kun?
Genma : Oh, he fell into theMPHQAXJEJKSLLPH!
Ranma (hand over his father's mouth) : We'll worry about that
later, shall we?
Soun : So, cold water turns on the curse and hot water
deactivates it. (gets some hot water and pours it on the
unconscious Tarou-minotaur, who transforms into a human once
more)
Tarou (waking up) : Huh?
Riker : Cursed pools?  Give me a break.
Ukyou : Can someone explain exactly WHO this little troll is?
(points to Happousai who cheerfully waves back, still in Ranma's
hand)
Soun : He had been our teacher when we were young.
Akane : And that's why you wanted to kill him?
Genma : He tortured us!!  He made us steal food, money, women's
clothing...
Akane : Women's clothing?  Wow, and I thought YOU were a pervert.

Ranma : Stop calling me that, you dorky girl!!
Akane : Who are you calling DORKY, you chauvinist PIG?!!
Ranma : Why you little...
Soun (ignoring the arguing couple) : Anyway, we got the old
codger drunk, stowed away on a starship and launched him into
deep space in a photon torpedo tube.
Ukyou : I guess that would explain what THAT's doing there.
(points at the navigation controls with the torpedo tube sticking
through them)
Tarou : So let's stick him BACK in there and fire him out again.
Riker : What's YOUR beef with this guy?
Tarou (grimacing) : I cannot reveal it, it's too horrible.
Ryouga : Does it have something to do with your curse?
Tarou : No, the curse isn't so bad.  It's... (clutches his head
in sorrow) it's simply to tragic for me to say!!
Happousai : Hmm, I don't have any idea what else I could have
done to make you upset, Pan--
Tarou (clobbering Happousai) : SHUT UP!!
Ukyou : What's this "Pan" thing?  Every time he's about to say it
you hit him.
Happousai : It's his name.
Tarou (turning white as a sheet) : Shut UP, old man!
Soun : His name?
Happousai : Sure.  His first name is Pangachcho'otra.
Tarou (shaking his head) : NOOOOO!!!!  (runs screaming for the
corner of the room)
Genma : Pangachcho'otra?  What's so bad about that?
Ryouga :  Well, it SOUNDS a little weird... I guess... (everyone
shrugs)
Akane (scratching her chin) : I've heard that word before
somewhere...
Riker : Um, folks?  I hate to interrupt but think we've forgotten
about something.
Soun : Eh?
 
(suddenly the ship lurches a little to its side, then rights
itself)
 
Ukyou (raising a finger) : That's right.  We're careening
straight towards the earth at unfathomable speeds.
Riker : Computer, how much time until we reach sector 001?
Computer : There are two minutes until the Takahashi reaches
sector 001.
Riker : We've been here for over an hour and a half?
Ryouga : Time flies when you're having fun, I suppose.
Ranma (yelling) : Jeeze, you'd think the Bajoran militia would be
a little more PICKY.  Judging from YOU I'd say they'll let ANYONE
join them!
Akane : Looking at YOUR face I'd have to say the same thing about
STARFLEET!
Ryouga : Right.  The captain's occupied at the moment, so it's up
to US to stop the ship.  What do we do?
Riker : We could try shutting off the warp engines, but then we'd
be powerless against the Borg.
Genma : How about turning the engines in reverse?
Soun : No, that would tear the ship in half.
Mousse (lumbering into the room half-conscious) : We could try
bouncing off the atmosphere and skimming ourselves away.
Ryouga : But we'd still be moving while the Borg take over the
earth.
Riker : How about we...
 
(while the crowd is discussing options Ukyou notices a long wire
coated in plastic lining the top corner of the wall.  Next to the
wire is a red sign)
 
Sign : DO NOT PULL UNLESS IN EXTREME EMERGENCY.
Ukyou : I guess this is as extreme as we can get.
 
(Ukyou pulls the wire.  Suddenly everyone in the ship is thrown
forward as the ship comes to a loud, screeching halt.  Slowly the
senior officers peel themselves off the wall and look at Ukyou)
 
Ukyou (pointing at the wire) : Emergency brake.
Riker : I see.
Ryouga : Quick, everyone back to the bridge!
 
(the crowd quickly heads back for the turbolift as the engineers
slowly get up and find their ways back to their stations.  Ranma
and Akane, seemingly oblivious to the whole mess, are still at
each other's throats, so Ryouga and Ukyou are forced to drag them
along with them to the bridge.  As they run down the hall Tarou
quickly grabs Happousai out of Ranma's hand and heads down
another corridor.  After a couple of minutes the whole bridge
crew is back at their posts)
 
Ranma : Someone turn on the main monitor.
 
(the main monitor goes on and the crew sees just how close they
came -- the Takahashi is pointed perpendicularly to the ground
before them.  Starfleet cadets are looking at the ship curiously
from the outside.  An external view of the ship shows the grounds
of Starfleet Academy shadowed by the humongous starship pointed
downward as its nose is hovering five-feet off the ground.  From
inside Eight-Forward Tsubasa is looking at the people in front of
him with intrigue)
 
Tsubasa (waving to the cadets outside) : Hi! (the cadets wave
back lamely)
 
(back on the bridge...)
 
Ranma (wiping sweat from is brow) : Okay, back us up out of the
atmosphere.
 
(the Takahashi pulls away from the ground and turns around in
mid-air, then heads back for space.  As soon as the ship exits
the blue sky it is rocked sideways by a green energy blast)
 
Riker : Great, now we've got to deal with THEM.
 
(on the screen is the huge circular Borg ship standing before
them just out of the planet's atmosphere.  The picture is
replaced with Shampoo's chalk-white face looking at them
triumphantly)
 
Shampoo : Thank you for bringing us here, we were wondering where
this planet was.  For being nice enough to escort us to sector
001 we shall give you one more chance to surrender.
Ranma : After all we just went through?  Are you _KIDDING_?!!
Shampoo : Oh well, it's your funeral... (the Takahashi is
suddenly rocked about)
Tarou (quickly running out of the turbolift and onto the main
bridge) : Sir, they're trying to lock onto us again with their
tractor beam!!
Riker : Where the hell have YOU been?!!
Tarou : I was taking care of some unfinished business at the
airlock. (the ship jostles to the side once more)
Ryouga : Amazing, they still haven't locked onto us and our
shields aren't even up.
Ukyou : One of the experimental features of this ship is a
composite duranium/teflon hull.  Their tractor beam will just
keep slipping off.
Ranma : How much time until the cannon is fully charged?
Tarou : Ten minutes.
Akane : I guess we'll have to keep them busy until then.
 
(the Takahashi fires everything it's got at the Joketsuzoku Borg
but as before absolutely nothing affects the ship.  The Borg ship
responds by firing a barrage of green energy blasts at the
Takahashi)
 
Riker : TAROU, GET THOSE SHIELDS UP!!!
Tarou : SHIELDS UP!!
 
(the shields are raised just in the nick of time as the green
energy beams strike.  The ship is rocked sideways and the crew is
thrown about like clothing in a drier)
 
Tarou : Shields down by thirty-percent!
Ukyou : After that ONE salvo?!  These Borg are sure powerful!
Ranma : Akane, rotate shield frequencies!
Akane : How am I supposed to do THAT?!
Ranma : I don't KNOW, that's just what we're supposed to do in a
Borg attack!
Ryouga : Don't yell at her, you louse!! (going to Akane) See that
knob on your console?  Just keep spinning it around.
Akane (smiling) : Thank you, Ryouga-kun.
Ryouga (blushing wildly) : N-no problem <heh-heh>.
Ranma (cocking an eyebrow) : Ahem, if you two are done...?
 
(the ship is thrashed about some more as the Borg let loose with
their thin white cutting beam.  The beam deflects off the shields
but is doing a number on the Takahashi's crew)
 
Riker : We aren't going to be able to delay them much longer!
Ranma : At least we've been keeping them from shooting at the
planet.  Lt. Tarou, what other weapons have we got on line?
Tarou : We've got standard phasers and photon torpedoes, as well
as a few quantum torpedoes and some anti-matter charges.  Beyond
that all we have is the photon cannon, and it's still got five
minutes to charge.
Riker : We aren't going to last THREE minutes if they keep up
that shooting!
 
(the ship is rocked again as another volley of energy beams hit
the Takahashi)
 
Tarou : Shields are DOWN!!
Ranma : Evasive maneuvers!
 
(the Takahashi pulls back and tilts upward a bit as the Borg
cutting beam skims right between the warp nacelles.  The
Takahashi fires its quantum torpedoes at the Borg, which doesn't
even flinch at the attack, but instead responds by firing its
cutting beam right into and through the saucer section.  The
entire ship is punched back and flips over, tossing everyone head
over heels)
 
Akane (getting up) : Nuts, they've adapted to everything we've
thrown at them!
Ranma : Then we'll have to rely on our wits instead of strength.
Akane : We're doomed...
Ramna : Uk-chan, hail the Borg ship.
Ukyou (tapping some buttons on her control panel) : Channel open.
(Shampoo's face appears on the main view screen once more)
Shampoo : Yes?  Make it quick, we're in kind of a rush.
Ranma (pointing at Shampoo with drama) : You Borg think you have
us by the tail, but you are sadly mistaken!  We humans don't give
up so easily!
Shampoo : You're not going to run away again, are you?
Ranma : No, but instead we... (looks at the viewscreen a little
strangely, then wildly points behind her) Wait, what's _THAT_?!!
Shampoo (looking over her shoulder) : Huh?
Ranma : Now's our chance!  WOLF-FANG REAR-ATTACK POSTURE!!!
 
(the Takahashi fires phasers at the Borg ship and hits it along
the side.  The Borg cruiser shudders slightly and appears rather
undamaged, but at least the hit pierced the shields)
 
Shampoo (angrily) : That was a dirty trick, shooting us when we
weren't looking!!
Ranma (pointing to Shampoo's feet) : Hey, you dropped something.
Shampoo (looking down) : Where?
Ranma : FIERCE-TIGER SINGLE-STRIKE POSTURE!!!
 
(once again the Takahashi blasts away at the Joketsuzoku Borg
ship, catching it off guard a second time and leaving a nasty
burn mark on the front.  Unfortunately the damage is only
superficial)
 
Shampoo (going from chalk-white to a light gray color) : Okay,
now you've made us REALLY mad!!
 
(the Takahashi slips and slides as best it can as the Borg ship
really lets loose with every cannon it's got.  The Starfleet ship
is doing a pretty good job of dodging the incredible wave of
incoming fire, although it can't escape everything and is taking
a few hits in various spots)
 
Akane (trying to hold onto her console as the ship shudders with
each hit) : Damage reports coming in from all over the ship!
Ryouga : We can't keep dodging forever!
Ukyou : Life support failure is imminent on decks six through
twenty-eight if we keep taking these hits!
Ranma : Tarou, how much longer until that cannon is fully
charged?!
Tarou : Thirty-seconAAAARRGH!!
 
(Tarou is knocked back as his tactical panel explodes.  Control
is immediately transferred to Ryouga's navigational panel)
 
Riker : Tarou, are you okay?!! (Tarou grips his arm and nods
painfully)
Ranma : Akane, bring us about to an attack posture!
Akane : Why are you telling ME to do that?  That's Ryouga-kun's
job.
Ranma : I want to make sure we're pointing TOWARDS the Borg ship!
Now do it quickly!!
 
(the Takahashi flips over and points itself at the globular Borg
ship.  The Borg vessel slowly approaches, weapons still blazing)
 
Ryouga : Main gun is fully charged!
Ranma : Take them out!
Ryouga (pushes a button on his console) : ROARING LION CANNON
_FIRE_!!!
Shampoo : What the hell?
 
(the maw of the long cannon on the saucer section begins to glow
a bright yellow and in an explosive blast of force the huge
weapon unleashes a column of burning energy at the Borg ship.
The energy wave plows right into the ship and in a blinding flash
completely obliterates the lower-right quarter of the Borg
vessel.  Both ships are thrown back somewhat, but are eventually
able to right themselves)
 
Akane : Good shot, Ryouga-kun!
Ryouga (rubbing the back of his head and grinning like a complete
idiot) : You... you think so?
Ranma (rolling his eyes) : Oh, good grief.
Ukyou (running up and hugging Ranma) : We DID it, Ran-chan!!
Ranma (nervously) : Er, so we did...
 
(Akane sees Ukyou hugging Ranma and frowns.  To get his goose she
decides to imitate her)
 
Akane (hugging Ryouga) : I'm so proud of you!!
Ryouga : Eek! (goes all goofy-eyed and proceeds to faint in her
arms)
Ranma (glowering) : Oh yeah? (hugs Ukyou some more)
Ukyou (turning red, and not out of embarrassment) : Er, Ran-chan,
you're hugging me <cough> just a little too tight... I've got
another creature in me, remember? <wheeze>
Akane (letting go of Ryouga, who drops to the floor) : Oh, what's
THAT supposed to do, make me jealous?
Ranma (letting go of Ukyou, who collapses trying to catch her
breath) : Like YOU weren't trying to do the exact same thing.
Akane : Was not!
Ranma : Was too!
Riker : Uh, Captain, could you please hurry up?  We're not out of
the woods yet.
Ranma : I'm in the middle of a marital crisis here, Commander.
Can't this wait a second?
Riker (pointing at the viewscreen) : I'm afraid not.
 
(Ranma and Akane look at the viewscreen.  Emerging from the cloud
of the explosion's debris appears the Borg ship, floating out of
control straight towards the Takahashi)
 
Ranma : Aaagh!  Pull up!  PULL UP!! (notices that no one
functional is left on the bridge except Riker, Akane and himself)
Someone get to the navigational panel!!
 
(Riker quickly leaps over to the helm control and hits the upward
thruster buttons.  The Takahashi pulls itself over the Borg craft
just in the nick of time.  Almost.  One of the Borg vessel's
piping systems sticks out just a BIT too far and snags the
Takahashi by its lower-right warp nacelle.  The entire ship
lurches backward as it becomes drawn along with the Borg
spacecraft)
 
Ranma : What's the status of the Borg ship?
Akane : They've lost all their power and have sustained 63
percent damage to their ship.  We're not getting any readings
from them... No, wait, there's a small power surge in the ship's
center.  They might be repairing damage.
Ranma : Can we shoot them some more?
Tarou (moving to an alternate station) : No, the blast shorted
out all of our weapons systems.
Ranma : Then we'll have to send in an away team.  You think you
can make it, Tarou?
Tarou : Hmph, my arm gets a little burnt and everyone thinks I'm
going to fall apart.
Ranma : Alright then, Riker, Tarou, let's go pay them a visit.
Akane : Hold it.  You're the captain, you're place is on the
bridge.
Ranma : What?
Akane : You heard me.  You're staying here while Riker, Tarou and
I check out the Joketsuzoku.
Ranma : You ridiculous girl, I want to--!!
Akane (ignoring Ranma's insult) : We're responsible for your
safety, Captain!  This is for your own good.
Ranma : But... Oh, all right (impatiently drops into his seat
with his arms crossed).
Akane (sighs) : Why do I even bother...? (heads for the turbolift
with the others)
Ranma : Hey!
Akane (turning around) : What now?
Ranma (trying to act very captainly without looking directly at
her) : Um, be careful over there.
Akane (surprised to get any kind of a concerned response) : Th-
thanks... (enters the turbolift and is gone with the swish of the
doors)
Soun (weeping and scaring the bejesus out of Ranma) : This is so
beautiful!!!  My son-in-law and daughter, tearing away from each
other to fulfill their duty!!
Genma-panda (holding up a sign) : [Tugs at your heart, doesn't
it?]
 
(Ranma quickly pries open the turbolift doors and punts the two
down the empty shaft)
 
(on the Borg ship all is quiet except for the clanging of metal
as it falls from the ceiling.  In a glistening beam of blue
Akane, Tarou and Riker beam onto the ship and look about at the
wreckage.  The vessel is torn apart and looks like nothing more
than junk. A few lights are still active, although not producing
much more than a faint and rather eerie glow about the ship)
 
Riker : Okay, where to?
Akane (reading her tricorder) : Down this hall. (looks about
nervously) Let's make this quick.
 
(the threesome make their way down the hall when they come to a
small box glowing red.  Riker examines it carefully)
 
Akane : According to the tricorder this is the source of the
energy fluctuation.
Riker (looking the box over) : But this thing doesn't do
anything.  It's just a light-box.
Akane : That doesn't make any sense...
Tarou : Say, I just realized something.  Where's the crew?
Akane and Riker : Uh-oh.
 
(suddenly fifty Borg women burst out of the wreckage and surround
the away team.  Among them is Shampoo, covered in dirt and
overall pretty filthy but wearing a sly smile nonetheless)
 
Tarou : Damn, it's a trap.
Riker (taps his com badge) : Takahashi, beam us back quick! (no
response) Riker to Takahashi!! (nothing but static comes from his
communicator)
Akane : They must be jamming us!
Shampoo : BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!  You fools aren't the only ones who can
use trick tactics!
Riker : You were just playing dead!
Akane : But what about the photon cannon?  We blew up half your
ship!
Shampoo : Hahaha!  We can maintain control of this ship with as
little as 30 percent of it still functioning.  We will recharge
and then destroy your ship, and then we will assimilate your
entire planeeeeEEEIIIYYAAA!
 
(Shampoo screams as a little Klingon man leaps onto her rear and
enthusiastically grips tightly)
 
Happousai (teeth chattering and icicles hanging from his nose) :
H-h-h-hello, s-sw-sweetie!
Shampoo : Eeeek!!  Get it off us!! (all the Borg women begin to
scream)
Riker : How'd HE get on board?!!
Tarou : Remember how I said I had some business with the airlock?

Akane : Quick, let's get out of here!
 
(the away team rams through the wall of Joketsuzoku women and
runs down the hall.  Happousai is still leaping around molesting
the girls when Shampoo notices the escaping intruders)
 
Shampoo : Get them!! (more screams from behind) And KILL that
repulsive little Klingon!!
 
(the Borg women readily obey the second command and begin firing
madly at Happousai, who nimbly dodges every shot and then catches
up to the running away team)
 
Happousai : Mind if I tag along? (the away team suddenly finds
itself under fire from every nearby Borg woman)
Tarou : Get lost, you old goat, you're drawing their fire on us!!

 
(Tarou kicks Happousai in the face and sends him flying back into
the platoon of cyborgs who zealously tackle him.  After a few
minutes of pummeling the Borg women fly backwards as Happousai
plows through them with a thousand lumps on his head and with a
VERY unpleasant look on his face)
 
Happousai (beet red) : NOW I'm MAD!  DIE, PANTYHOSE!!!
Tarou (suddenly trembling with anger) : AAAAAGH!!  Don't call me
that, you little bastard!!!
Riker : Pantyhose?
Akane : Oh, that's right!  "Pangachcho'otra" is the Klingon word
for "pantyhose".
 
(still running, Riker and Akane stare at each other for a second
and then stare at Tarou with bafflement.  He shrinks back)
 
Riker : Your name is "Pantyhose"?!
Tarou : DON'T CALL ME THAT!!! (tries to strangle Riker but Akane
promptly places herself between the two)
Akane : Can we discuss this later, please?
Happousai : HAPPOUDAIKARIN!!!
 
(suddenly all three are thrown off their feet as an explosion
rocks the ground right behind them.  Once they stop sliding
across the metal ground the away team looks up and sees Happousai
standing before them holding a lit bomb in hand)
 
Happousai : Kicking your godfather in the face!  I shall not
forgive this, Pantyhose!
Tarou : If you call me that one more time...!
 
(Happousai rears back about to throw the bomb when he is
unexpectedly jumped by a gang of Borg with nasty looks on their
white faces.  As they enthusiastically beat him up he drops the
bomb, which rolls across the ground and falls down a large shaft
next to him)
 
Shampoo : OH NO!!  That's the main power distributor!!
Riker : Everyone hold onto something!!
 
(with a loud explosion the bomb detonates sending debris
everywhere as the ship immediately lunges sideways in a sharp
jolt.  Everyone is tossed away from the blast point while
computer systems all over the ship suddenly begin to blow up)
 
Riker : Tarou!  Akane!  Where are you?!!
Akane : We're over here! (Tarou waves from under a pile of
wreckage)
 
(the entire ship begins to rock about, sending more metal and
piping to the ground)
 
Tarou : While they're distracted!  Call the ship!!
Riker (tapping his com badge) : Riker to Takahashi!!  Get us out
of here!! (the three vanish in a shimmering blue light)
Happousai (looking up from under the unconscious pile of Borg
women) : Nuts, they must have forgotten to take me.
 
(back on the Takahashi the threesome have made their way back to
the bridge and leap to their stations)
 
Ranma : What happened over there?  The whole Borg ship has
suddenly gone nuts.
Riker : Let's just say that we'd better leave before anything
ELSE happens.
Ranma : Er, okay.  Ryouga, get us out of here.
Ryouga (punching some buttons) : What the...?  We're not moving!
Riker : Uh-oh.
Tarou : We're still snagged on the Borg ship!
 
(an external view shows the Takahashi as it tries to dislodge
itself from the metal piping to absolutely no avail; the warp
nacelle is hopelessly jammed into the Borg ship and its efforts
to escape are only getting it shoved in deeper.  On the bridge
the crew is desperately trying to come up with solutions when out
of the blue everything lurches downward)
 
Ukyou : I'm afraid the situation has become worse, Ran-chan. (the
room suddenly begins to heat up) Much worse.
 
(the Borg ship has drifted too close the earth and is now
plummeting into the atmosphere with the Takahashi in tow.  The
hulls of both ships begin to glow a bright red which is slowly
turning to bright orange and yellow)
 
Riker : It's pulling us down with it!  We'll hit planet-side in
two minutes!!
Tarou : With this teflon-coated ship we should slide right off
after we're done cooking.
Akane : I wonder if this happens to every ship on its first
mission.
Riker (growing upset) : What's wrong with you people?!!  We're
going to be a big spot on the ground in a minute and a half!!
Ranma : Nah, I get the feeling that there's going to be more than
one episode of THIS show.  Uk-chan, there's got to be some way to
get us out of this.  What are all the experimental features of
this ship?
Ukyou (counting her fingers) : Well, there's the Roaring Lion
Cannon, the teflon/duranium hull, the karaoke machine in Eight-
Forward, the larger-than-normal warp core...
Ranma : I KNEW it looked pretty big.
Ukyou : Wait!  I almost forgot the most important feature!  This
ship is equipped with an experimental Starfleet Improbability
Drive!!
Ryouga : Improbability drive?
Riker (rubbing his forehead) : I knew it.
Ranma : Quick!  Turn it on!
Ukyou (looks at her console) : Uh, according to my readouts it's
_already_ on.
Ranma : What?  For how long?
Ukyou : Er, since the ship was first turned on.  About a month
ago.
Riker (getting up and yelling to the heavens) : Of course!  It
all makes sense now!!
Akane (looks at Ranma) : It does? (Ranma shrugs)
Riker : The little old Klingon who JUST HAPPENED to crash into
our ship!  The three first officers!!  The shape-changing
security officer!  The chief navigator with no sense of
direction!
Tarou and Ryouga : Hey!
Riker : And on top of it all, a SEVENTEEN-YEAR OLD CAPTAIN WITH A
WIFE FOR HIS FIRST OFFICER THAT HATES HIS GUTS!!
Ranma : It was an arranged marriage.
Akane : And I don't hate his guts.  I just don't like him, that's
all.
Ukyou : Was that a compliment or an insult?  I couldn't tell.
Tarou : I think it was both.
Ryouga : All this silliness aside, what are we going to do about
THAT? (points to the monitor showing the earth speeding towards
them.  Clouds are whipping right by the screen)
Ranma : I've got an idea.  Bridge to Mousse.
Mousse (over the intercom) : Mousse here.
Ranma : I want you to tie the transporter into improbability
drive, then crank both up to full blast!
Mousse : Yes, sir. (to himself) It's about time I got to do
something... (to Ranma) Ready.  What are we transporting?
Ranma : Oh.  Us.
 
(meanwhile, down on the earth a little Chinese man is sitting
next to his hut smoking a pipe.  Before him sits a nearly
limitless field of pools with bamboo shoots sticking out of them)

 
Jhusenkyou guide : Ho-hum, another regular day at the forbidden
training grounds. (suddenly the ground around him begins to
tremble.  A low rumbling noise can be heard coming from all
around) Huh?
 
(the little man looks up to the cloudy sky and is startled to see
a gigantic ship the size of six city blocks and shaped like a
cat-bell plummeting through the matting of clouds glowing a
bright white and cooking the air around it)
 
Jhusenkyou guide (his pipe falling out of his mouth) : Aiya.
 
(the view shifts to a low orbit above the earth.  Many miles
below we can see the flash of what looks like some kind of
explosion on the ground.  Everything appears quiet until a
shimmering wave of blue light appears before us and the Takahashi
rematerializes out of nowhere)
 
Ranma : Well, that was fun.
Riker : I'm going to be ill.
 
--Captain's Log 48906.17 --
    Well, our first mission was a total success.  We've been
commended by the big boys at Starfleet and are just relaxing here
at Eight-Forward while the Takahashi undergoes repairs in
spacedock <wow, she sure needs them, too!>.  Commander Riker
pulled through that nauseous spell just fine, although I don't
know what caused it; after all, HE'S the experienced officer, he
should have gone through stuff like this all the time...  Ryouga
has vanished again; just as well, he was getting on my nerves.
Oh well, he'll show up sooner or later.  The rest of the crew are
here or there enjoying themselves, although Akane has decided to
stick it out on the ship for the time being.  No one can get
total rest in Starfleet, I guess.
--Log out--
 
Nabiki (spinning the dabo wheel) : C'mon, big money big money!
YES!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!
Ranma (sipping his Pepsi) : Wow, your sister sure has a way with
money.
Akane : It all started after she spent that year as an exchange
student on Ferengi Prime.  She was never quite the same after she
got back...
Nabiki : C'mon, bring me those big bucks!  YAHOO!!
Tsubasa (calling from behind the bar) : Captain, there's a
subspace from Admiral Necheyav.
Ranma (getting up) : Oh, great, not THAT battleax.  Put it
through.
Tsubasa : It's already through.
Ranma : Oops.
Necheyav (on screen) : What was that, Captain Saotome?
Ranma : I was, uh, referring to my wife.
Akane : Hey!
Necheyav (obviously not believing him) : I see.  Well, I've come
to give you some good news.  The Joketsuzoku Borg have vowed
never to attack the Federation again.
Ranma : After crashing into the earth I didn't think they were in
any position to attack us, anyway.
Necheyav : Well, there was one survivor.  But she's supposed to
be very influential with the other Borg, so we want to stay on
good terms with them.
Ranma : Eh?
 
(the Eight-Forward doors slide open and before he can react a
Borg woman with long purple hair runs up to Ranma and hugs him
affectionately)
 
Shampoo : Our darling Ranma!  We love you, our wonderful husband!

Akane : Huh?!
Ranma (trying to pry off Shampoo with no success) : Er, Admiral,
what--?
Necheyav : Say hello to your new first officer.
Ranma and Akane : Whaat?!!
Ranma : But I've already got three first officers!
Necheyav : So what's one more going to hurt?  Besides, it's going
to keep us in good faith with the other Borg if she's on your
bridge.  Enjoy! (screen blips off)
Akane : Ahem.  Husband?
Ranma (smiling nervously) : Eh-heh-heh... heh.
Shampoo : You defeated us.  By Joketsuzoku law you are now our
cherished husband.
Ranma : Oh no.
 
(Shampoo hugs Ranma some more, and with the sound of her churning
implants Ranma gasps as the air is forced from his lungs.  Akane
promptly punches him in the face)
 
Akane : How long do you plan on letting her hold you, you
unfaithful jerk?!
Ranma (sighing) : This couldn't possibly get any worse...
Happousai (sitting on Ranma's head smoking his pipe) : Geh-heh-
heh, THAT's the spirit, my student!
 
(as Ranma tries ineffectively to shake the old Klingon from his
head while simultaneously being crushed by Shampoo and bashed by
Akane the image zooms out from the Eight-Forward lounge showing
the Takahashi in dock.  As the picture begins to fade to black we
hear Ranma's voiceover)
 
Ranma : Jeeze, five years of this...
Akane : It's not "five years", it's "the continuing mission"!
Ranma : Oh, be quiet.
 

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THE  END
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All stories herein are copyright Jason Wages © 1998 (unless otherwise stated)
and may not be used without prior written permission!